the sad girl diaries
issue 02, week 50 2023
it’s a funny thing looking back on old photos. past versions of you in old spaces you used to belong
those rose-tinted glasses really do shine strong, and often i forget i longed for the life i have now more than the one i had in those photos
So, I haven’t posted a photo online in about two years. I often think about that Taylor Swift quote from Miss Americana where she says “No one psychically saw me for a year...” but instead it’s like “No one saw a fake version of my life online for two years” which just doesn't have the same ring to it.
What I’m getting at is the entire landscape of social media has changed over the past two years. Carousel photos trump static images and reels or short-form videos reign supreme. I was looking back at old photos. Of myself. (Maybe I am a little vain but who isn’t). And the girl looking back at me feels like an entirely different person. She dreamed of having a salary job, an apartment with bedroom doors, (hello studio life), and a pet twisting itself around her ankles in the morning.
I have all of those things now but I’m lacking one big one that she had an abundance of. CONFIDENCE and self-assurance. Moving back home, starting over again, and going through one of the most challenging years of my life has really done a number on those things for me. I guess this is all to say, it's entirely normal to miss something we once had or a life we once lived. It’s okay to mourn something you think you always wanted, but to know that you are moving on to bigger and better things.
“For everything you gain. you lose something.
So, the main point of this journey is building connections and community. As the title of this newsletter may suggest, I’m a sad girl. A lonely little sad girl who wakes up in the mornings, feeling a little empty, heads to work all day, feels empty, and then comes home to finish out the day feeling a little empty. I love this new city, and we have a great house. I’ve got a stable relationship and a kitten that feels literally like my child. And yet I feel sad. And empty. And that I’m missing something. That I’m missing out on experiencing life to the fullest.
I’m so busy focusing on what is about to happen without really paying attention to life passing me by. I mean I think it’s somewhat expected seeing as I live every day with anxiety and that kind of comes with the territory, however, I am officially breaking up with the past.
I’m gonna think of it like an old tattoo. It’s a bit faded. Turned a bit blue, and a little blurry. But it's there and it tells a story. I might not love it as much as the fresh sharp lines drawn over my body, but it’s taught me something. And it’s not going anywhere. Not really.
it’s a main character, villian era, lucky girl kinda energy, get it?
I’m looking for something, and instead of just saying it, I’m going to try as hard as I can to get it. And I’m going to document it to boot. It’s been a few weeks since I wrote the last newsletter post and I’ve already started a new job and taking steps into finding a new balance in life. That’s not to say that I’m not a sad girl anymore. I’m sad and terrified and have been delaying posting online until things are ✨ perfect ✨ but at the very least, things seem to be changing. And I’m going to believe it’s for the better.
Checklist for the next month:
Read/listen to something each day
Water before coffee esp. on work days
Movement/daily sunshine (when it’s out)
Stop waiting for the moment, post the photo and light the candle
Meditation (morning and night)
Yoga and stretches (standing all day really makes you stiff)
I‘m not here believing this list will change my life, but you never know...
maybe it will make a difference.
Misha x